My Wonderful, Difficult, Stressful, Beautiful Marriage pt 1

It’s post Valentine’s Day, and love is probably still in the air. We received and hugged our beautiful red teddy bears, ate our chocolate, read our Hallmark, or Mahogany Valentine cards, etc. The day was most likely a success for most couples.  I’m sure it was a success for corporate America, no doubt. This day of “love” has been co-opted by Corporate America and has been reduced to the color red. I’m not trying to say that Valentine’s Day isn’t good, but  I know for a fact that relationships are hard work, and Valentine day cards or teddy bears aren’t enough to keep a relationship strong.  As sweet as Valentine’s Day is, it can only touch the surface of what is truly required for a strong relationship.
Love in America, generally focuses on the superficial. We want our BIG FAT weddings, our big diamond rings and expensive wedding gowns.  We women are trained very early to desire certain things from men and we want those things in certain ways, and have been trained not to accept anything that strays from our preconceived notions of  “true love”.  When it comes to Black Love, the prerequisites are even more narrow.  We are bombarded with so many negative media images and baggage concerning our black men, and for sure this baggage become very heavy.  These negative images can slowly degrade the reality of the black man in our eyes, if we let it. If that’s not enough, we then heap our own issues on top of the pile, and it’s a wonder if black love can survive! It reminds me of a song by Erykah Badu called Bag Lady, when she sang about how our own issues can sometimes overwhelm our men, and cause them to run from us.  Are we willing to take the initiative and look at our issues and deal with them?


This is something I had to do in my own marriage. It took me almost five years to be able to begin to see that my issues were at least a part of the problem in my marriage and not just his issues.  I always was focused on his problems and not my own so much.  But when I finally sat down with myself and started to look at me and started to pray about it all, God showed me exactly where I was at fault in my marriage problems.  I took the first baby steps to deal with it and my humbling myself truly impressed and softened my husband’s heart towards me. It helped us to begin. We have more to uncover. We have at least learned how not to let it all overwhelm us. We’ve been married for 5 1/2 years, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that the first five years were extremely hard, with 2009 being the hardest! We’re both Christians, and if it was not for God, I would not have been able to make it in my marriage.  I know my husband feels the same way. Ladies, we live in a fallen world.  There are so many things out there that are poised to destroy relationships, black ones even more so.  We have to learn how to deal with all those things that threaten us without losing our relationships.  How do we give and receive good love?  How do we nurture ourselves, so that we can be at our best for our men? 
In my own marriage, I can’t count the times I wished I wasn’t married! Especially to him!! At times I even dreaded when it was time for him to return from work, and I can tell that he dreaded coming home!  All of this wasn’t because we hated each other, but because there was no true communication between us. We were focused on the worst parts of each other! But praise the Lord, there is healing and renewal! It’s a wonderful journey and yes it’s very stressful and difficult!
From time to time, I’ll be sharing bits of my marriage testimony with you all.  I pray that what I say will be a blessing and encouragement to anyone who may be struggling within their relationships.  
Blessings 

6 Comments Add yours

  1. tabloodsaw says:

    Good for you! I am not married yet but as a divorce attorney I know the challenges, esp. within our own community.

  2. Anna Renee says:

    Welcome tabloodsaw! We have to do the right things not the wrong things to make our relationships work. So we have to determine what are the right things.

  3. Nicole says:

    I could say a lot but I won't. I will just keep reading. By the way, I have been married for 16 years, and we have good times and bad times. We choose to stay together through it all. To God be ALL the glory.

  4. Anna Renee says:

    Hey there Nicole! With 16 years of marriage, I know you have a testimony! God uses the things we dislike about our mates to change us–to make us tolerant and loving, if we stick with our marriages and allow God to work!

  5. Myne Whitman says:

    It was my one year anniversary on Valentine day and it was beautiful. I am even more encouraged when I hear testimonies from long term marriages like Nicole.Nice write up Anna Renee.

  6. Nicole says:

    For real though Mrs. Whitman, it is hard! I am glad that you are encouraged and happy 1 year anniversary! May it get sweeter and sweeter with each passing year.

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