I have just gotten over what I consider a major illness. It was very difficult and draining. And it has left a scar on me in more ways than one. During the illness, I couldn’t go to church. So for about a month, I didn’t go. But I continued to pray and commune with my Lord. I asked Him for guidance and strength. I asked Him to take away the dis-ease I was feeling. I cried out to Him. I read my Bible and I watched my favorite TV preachers. I read my books and blogged and lived my life as well as I could as I was suffering. Blogging really allowed me to take my mind off of the pain.
God did answer my cries and He healed me of the distress. I still have the disease but I know how to manage it much better. The pain I felt was because I had mismanaged it and it got out of control. I was so sure about the way I was managing it before, only to finally realize that I was absolutely wrong. But that’s another post. So now I’m on the road to recovery. I’m feeling strong and clear minded now. And that’s part of my new issue.
It’s been two months since I’ve been to church–about seven weeks. I was able to go back after the fourth week. Now I have no “sickness” excuse. But I’m caught between wanting to go, and not wanting to see anyone. No one has done me wrong at my church. I was not in any kind of mix-up that would cause me to not want to go. My church is not dead, the Holy Spirit resides in the hearts of the people. My pastor is not some kind of perfect pimp-type, he readily admits his weaknesses and proclaims God’s power, as he fights to inspire us to live the life Jesus wants–he teaches us to help to poor, visit the prisoner and to love.
The reason is not any of those standard reasons. But it’s me. I have realized that I was going to church to fulfill some insignificance that I have felt for many years. I thought in the back of my subconscious that if I go to church, I would become “blessed and highly favored of the Lord”! How did I define this? I would learn so much about the Bible and then be able to use that to impact lives! I would be like a very small version (I would be satisfied with very small) of Joyce Meyer, or Paula White or a female TD Jakes. I would be very influential and very well loved for my influence. Of course, I’d never mislead. I had this desire burning in me very deep and buried in my heart. I felt good because I have never desired to be rich, or materialistic. I wasn’t like THAT!
Sunday after Sunday, I’d sit among the people and burn for some kind of connection. But I have recently realized that I wasn’t willing to BE that kind of connection. I wasn’t that much willing to dig into the difficulties of ministry. I wasn’t thinking about the deep sacrifices of doing what I didn’t want to do. I truly, truly hate doing stuff that I don’t want to do. I don’t mean cleaning and washing dishes but for instance, having to speak in front of people, or teach children. (Yes I know having a fear of speaking in front of people is crazy when I desire to be influential). I don’t feel that teaching or even dealing with children is my calling at all. So what I want is very specific. Or what I think I want.
Sunday after Sunday, I’d watch people who have been members of my church for many years interact with each other, talk about their ministries, help each other, set up different ways to collect money for this person in need or that person in need, and just be “family” together in Christ. As a new member of the church, (this past January was the start of my fourth year there) I just do not have this type of history and I felt some kind of way about it. Like I was missing out. I felt envious.
So I realize that my whole relationship to the church is so wrong. I guess I wanted something from the church without having the full desire to sacrifice something to the church. I could blame this mentality on the fact that my way back to the Lord was through TV ministries. Some of them have a way of fueling carnal desires in a person. But that wouldn’t be quite fair because those desires were there in me before I watched the TV ministries. But for right now, I feel like I just don’t want to go to church. I have some stuff to deal with. I feel that I want to be alone with Jesus right now. Is that wrong?