What I DIDN’T Learn From Steve Harvey

steve harvey with cigar

Steve Harvey is VERY funny!  You know it, I know it and we both like that about him.  He makes us laugh, and his hair and suits are tight!  But Steve don’t know Jack about Black Womanhood.  What’s worse is he doesn’t know that he doesn’t know.  I’m just saying.

I decided to read his book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, after all the hoopla.  I remember when it first came out, a sister friend of mine excitedly showed me a couple of chapters in her copy of the book.  That chapter that talks about the black woman needing a gay man, an ugly man, an old man, and a Mandingo man.  To round everything out, I guess.  Hmmpt!  Even as she was so excited about how much Steve supposedly knew,  I decided that I would reject reading the book.

steve harvey with the pimps

So all the buzz happened, Steve got all kinds of accolades for his outstanding insight about black women, and the “Steve knows” train passed through the station.  It left, y’all.   So it’s at this time that I decided to read his book after all.  It’s also because I happened to see two copies of it on the shelf at the library (a sure sign of waning popularity) when I was doing other research.  The book was a boring read,  and a hot mess,  whether or not you take it comedy.  I was unable to read it through to the end.  I managed to read about 3/4 of it, though.

I can’t get too mad at a brother.  He said it himself in the beginning of the book,  he’s a hustler and being on top of his game is a must.  He waxed pathetic about his swagga and his game, and how he set his goals and reached them, no problem!   I ain’t hating on a brother, but there is such a thing as tooting one’s own horn too long.  One might sound as though one is farting.

steve harvey with wife

So why do I think that Steve’s book is crap?  Because it’s full of old school playa moves.  That playa……from the Himalayas!!  Because he excuses black men from even being men, right off the bat.  Because he calls the brothers dogs in more ways than one.  Because he doesn’t give black men the benefit of having a brain in their head, or a spirit in their being!   In Steve’s world, brothers just want  “the cookie” to use his words,  and if they don’t get  “the cookie”  from one woman, they gonna get  “the cookie”  from another woman.  In Steve’s world, men are incapable of being intellectual regarding male/female relationships.

Unless the black woman makes him, through manipulation.  She’s got to play him like a fiddle to get her desired results of a full man (as if she had that kind of power).  For example when he’s acting doggish and cheating on her, she should manipulate him by threatening to leave.  Then she should leave, Steve says.  No if and or buts.  This way, the man comes to understand that she means business and quickly reforms and stops his doggy style ways.  Steve says that’s what HIS woman had to do, and it worked!  O’ Tay!!   But what about knowing right from wrong and choosing right, Steve Harvey?  On your own because you’re a real black man, a man of integrity? Not because you’re a momma’s baby boy, with your mother/woman standing over your shoulder making you, as though you’re a foolish child?

steve harvey with white brim

According to Steve’s reasoning, the entire onus for the black male/female relationship is on the woman, and the man is just a boy-child, playing school boy games.  He needs to be taught how to be a man by a woman (the irony) who can somehow convince him!  When that epic black woman hits the scene, she’s supposed to be able to transform the man, merely by her dazzling goddess-like presence!   The thing that going to make him do right is the fact that she’s got everything he needs!  She’s the complete package!  She’s got the looks, the clothes, the moves, and the booty–the right stuff!  Steve conveniently ignores the fact that these very attributes are what attracted him to his first woman, and her having the entire package didn’t stop him from turning away from her and to the next woman!  Unfortunately, there are a lot of regular sisters who need the protection, guidance and leadership of a regular black man, whose truly got his “ish” together!!!

As you all can see, I’m oh so tired of this stuff.  It’s more than ridiculous, because it feeds into the worse Racist and Oppressive black male stereotypes!  That black men are deficient and incapable of being men.  They can’t learn it, and there’s no one in the black community who can teach it.   It feeds into this Fatally Flawed and False idea that black women HAVE to be the “responsible” ones all alone.  And it’s their fate to expect little or nothing, or even less than nothing from the black man.   And we wonder why so many black MEN are frustrated!  Why oh why are so many black women frustrated.  They are being bamboozled by people like Steve Harvey, who was hoodwinked by the game!   They don’t even recognize the subtle manipulations that are going on under the surface.   So brothers end up confused, and filled with hate against the black woman.  They think the answer lies in another race of woman, any woman except the black woman!   According to Steve, sex is the answer to all of this alienation for the black man, and black women need to take the reigns and figure out how to tame and domesticate this beast that is the black man!  OH, HOW I HATE THIS!!!!

Many black people, even brothers themselves, believe right now that the black man as leader in his household, as provider, as spiritual guide, as protector in his own house is non-existant, and it can never happen.  And black women, who are desparately seeking true black men,  are frustrated all the more when an Old School playa from the Himalayas like Steve Harvey comes pimp rolling along from the sidelines, in his fishbowl platform shoes, pretending like he has The Answer.  Once again, instead of being a guide for the woman, who desperately needs and wants it, the black man is steered in the direction of being a nothing–to himself and his woman.

I’m going to give Steve Harvey the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t believe he thinks he really knows the deep desires of a black woman,  nor how black men and women can build lasting relationships with each other in and extremely oppressive and racist society.  He obviously has never progressed past the simplistic playa knowledge–G’s up, Ho’s down!  After all, he openly blames us (if he cheated, you should have known he was a dog and not been with him!  If he called you at night, you should have known it was a booty call, and not gone!)    He has never learned how to be a true black  man, who KNOWS how to properly guide a woman and bring out the best in her,  so that she might blossom and bring him all of her beauty and tenderness, which is what the black man desperately craves.

Because Steve is unable to get beyond his playa stance, he is very contemptuous of black women’s apparent weakness to men’s games.  He’s unable to see women for who they truly are, and unable to redirect a woman in a positive way if he needed to.  Misogynistic is the word.  Profound weakness is the word.

Enough said.

PS: One more thing to say – The Ma’ats, a young black couple who are doing the damn thing!!!  Steve Harvey, please call them up. They younger than you, but they could teach you some thangs.  https://nachalooman.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/aiyanna-and-ayize-maat-teach-us-about-black-love-and-marriage/

18 Comments Add yours

  1. EnSayn says:

    Anna Renee, I totally agree with your stance here. I would be on MARTA (similar to the BART) and I would see dozens of women reading this book. Acting as if this was the gospel on men. So, of course I read all but about two chapters and I couldn’t stand it. Actually, I forced fed myself the book for that long. He, IMO, is telling women to settle for some silent beast. I thought the book was junk, period.

    Hey, but this is the world we live in now, junk sells! LOL!!!

    Peace!

  2. Anna Renee says:

    Hi there, V.A.! This stuff makes me want to bite Steve’s lip right off his face! Rip it clean off!! OK, I’m being stoopid, but this kind of ignorance can be overcome if one but asks some questions of oneself!
    IMHO! Is it normal that you, blackman, are angry at your woman? Is it normal that your woman, blackman, is angry at you? Why all the anger? Solution is?
    Then get busy working on the solution.

    But you’re right, junk sells, especially when it’s all dressed up in a bright yellow three piece suit with matching gators and brim, and it’s walking around with beautiful big lips, big teeth, big dimples, and everythang like that. LOL!

  3. Tha L says:

    Hey sis, I truly appreciate this post. I think I’m one of the last hold-outs who refuses to read this crap. Just from the title, and the fact that Oprah had him on her show to talk about it, I could tell that this book was definitely NOT one that I would be interested in wasting my time on.

    I do, however, have one problem with your statements in this post. Besides the type of man who blames everything on women’s failure to “fix” him, I also can’t stand the type of women who put the onus of “guiding” their women and “leading” them in the “right direction” onto the man. To me, this type of thinking is just as misguided and potentially destructive to black male/female relationships as the crap that came from Steve Harvey. Statements like these simply say that women are incapable of being good enough without the guidance of a man. And, in my humble opinion, that’s tragic.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Tha L!! Welcome! Yes, it seems that when we let a man be the “leader” that we are giving away something. Not so, if you are a woman of influence. Can you properly influence your man? Are you the neck that turns the head? I know for me, that I want to be able to rest my head on my man’s chest and relax….exhale! Let him be a man and control the damn thing…sometimes at least!
      My husband has no problem coming to me for advice on just about everything. I’m thankful that he does, and it was a VERY LONG TIME COMING!!!! Five years of marriage, fighting, arguing, the whole nine!! Now I’m an INDEPENDANT woman!! Mz Independence, that’s me!!! But when I finally let that man lead, I found that he started coming to me for answers half the time, and advice the other half! Of course, he do what he wont to sometimes, when I disagree with him. I accept that. And I do what I wont to sometimes, when he disagrees. He has a small problem with it, but he deals with it.
      We are hand in hand in this thing.
      So it’s not that women aren’t good enough, not by a long shot. But it’s that we have to allow the brothers to develop, if need be, or be themselves–men!!
      Anyway, no sister feels good about having to lead the man around. She becomes contemptuous of him soon enough.
      Imma be workin this issue some more and I’d appreciate it if you visit me again!!!

      1. Tha L says:

        I feel you on your response, sis. I just take issue with the way that some folks assume that “letting the man lead” means that the woman must therefore be a passive passenger that has no value in the relationship. Sounds like you and your spouse have it worked out. I understand that in every relationship, someone is “in charge”…I really value the type of man who knows how to run the show, but who is still respectful of me, my intelligence, and my power.

        I’ll holla!

  4. Lin says:

    I’ve often wondered why so many women have jumped on the Harvey bandwagon, and how people (even…. Lawd hep us!) Oprah have began to turn to him as if he’s the foremost EXPERT on women. WTH? That’s rich.

    The brotha just found a new hustle and it’s workin for him. Cool. I’m not gonna knock anyone’s hustle. Some of my women friends who’ve read the book came away expressing how it was funny, in parts, but wasn’t all that innovative nor helpful, or that simple common sense things were broken down, or that maybe his ‘advice’ would better serve younger women w/ no real experience.

    So Steve didn’t deliver the Holy Grail for all Womankind??? Big surprise, playa.

    Meanwhile, mad props to him for his extended stay on the NY Times Bestsellers List. That’s a VERY RARE feat for a Black Male Writer to accomplish.

    One.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Hi Brother from the Eastsiiiide!
      You’re being very kind about Steve, but that’s because you are kind.
      I’m mean, on the other hand, and Steve’s is just about to get his hood pass revoked! Don’t come in the O on my block, Steve!!
      Yeah, that book was stinking like hot garbage! I had to set that thing down over there on the table and look at it from a distance.
      Jerome the Pimp got more game!
      I wish it wasn’t the sisters that was being played, tho.
      And it is the height of irony that his book is the one by a brother that rides the NYT Bestseller list! LAWD, GAWD ALMIGHTEE!!! Hep us Lawd, hep us’n!!

  5. Melzie says:

    Hey sis! Excellent points as always.

    You know, it’s a funny thing, I think we’re really struggling to understand the ins and outs of relationships that any book that is supposedly written with us in mind is bound to garner a lot of attention. I read it and laughed at some statements, but also learned a couple of things. I think women really need to step up the common sense, some things we either don’t care enough to change or act like they don’t exist. No book should have to tell us that. Interestingly, I just picked up a copy of a book written by a white guy that says essentially the same things. More palatable perhaps but there are some truths both men and women have to embrace, there’s always room for improvement and growth.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Hi Sis, I was just at your house and your poem was beautiful! Hot!

      I agree with you that we sisters have to get our common sense working in high gear. It may be hard, because alot of us feel we “know it all, already” but it’s not impossible. We have to allow our brothers to be brothers! They’re different, they’re exciting, and they are Beautiful!! Inspite of what ever is being said against them.
      That’s not to speak against anyone who who doesn’t have a brother for her man. I’m just speaking my own preference.

  6. Anna Renee says:

    I have read Tha L’s comments, and I have been thinking about what she was pointing out.
    It looks as though I’m saying that I believe women ought to allow men to do their thinking for them. The way I worded that thing doesn’t make it real clear what I’m talking about, so it can be concluded that I’m talking crazy stuff.
    Of course, I GOT to clarify myself. I’m talking about a relationship between a black man and a black woman where there is give and take. Two not so perfect people coming together and wrestling back and forth ideologically to make their relationship work. And when that state of beauty is reached, the woman is able to trust the man and can allow him to “lead” her. She can have an issue and get his imput on it. He can give his imput and she accepts his advice because she trusts him. And the man trusts his woman. When he has issues and problems, he can come to his woman and get her advice. He can take her advice in making his decision because he trusts her intelligence. This kind of relationship is what we all should want, if we are balanced.

    But if things are IMBALANCED, or the man is entrenched in some kind of mental instability—if he’s an abuser—if he’s stupid—if he’s a Mel Gibson type, for sure, I AINT advocating listening to this type, but running from him, and fast as possible.

    It’s so important for one (me) to speak clearly! Break that thing down! Or else one (me) looks as though they talking yang out the side of they neck!! But I did say that I could be set straight, y’all!!! 😀

    I’m thinking of that brother that is able to help a sister, his woman, who might have issues with her beauty. He can speak beauty and love into her, that gets her off the negative and on to the positive, because he spoke to her!! He guided her away from self hatred, towards self love. Of course, she has to change her own mind, but you know what I mean.
    Im thinking of that woman who can tell her man when he may have lost his job, or when she’s making more than he, that the amount of money he brings in is NOT how she defines him. She can speak strength into that man. Of course it’s up to that man to accept her words as truth.

    THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
    Whew!!! Thanks Tha L!!!

    1. Tha L says:

      My pleasure, sis! I gotcha!

  7. R.OVERTON says:

    HI RENEE I KNOW RITE WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM ,I HAVE FIRST HAND RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCE ON YOUR SUBJUCT MATTER IT REALLY ISNT ABOUT STEVE H. IS IT YOU JUST REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS WHICH IS A VERY GOOD SUBJECT MATTER FOR A BEATIFUL RELATIONSHIP. FROM WHAT I KNOW ABOUT THE BOOK FROM PEOPLE (FEMALES) WHO READ IT FIND QUITE INTERESTING NOT THAT IT WILL HELP THEM BE WHAT HE SUGGEST ,WE KNOW THAT WE LIVE IN A WORLD THATS CONSUMED WITH IT SELF BEING VERY SELFISH AND THE EXAMPLE HAS ALREADY BEEN SET THINK ABOUT IT WHAT DO OUR CHILDREN SEE WHILE WE TRYING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, I WILL GET RITE TO THE PIONT YOU FIRST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SELF THATS NOT SELFISH , LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY GOD HAS INSTRUCTED ,IF YOU ARE MARRIED THAT GOD MOST DIFFERETLY IS THE KEY ,DEVELOP THAT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD FIRST BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY,LEARN WHO YOU ARE ,LOVE YOURSELF
    AND YOU NEED NOONE TO VALIDATE YOU AND YOUR EXISTENCE KNOW THAT GOD MADE YOU ONE OF A KIND IN HIS IMAGE, GET CONFIDENSE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WE ALL MAKE MISSTAKES DONOT LET STOP YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD AND BUT LEASE ALWAYS TRUST GOD LET HIM BE A LIGHT FOR YOUR FOOTSTEPS.

    STILL HAVE LOVE FOR YOU A.R
    YOUR X

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Hey there Ojore! How did you find me? Anyway, I totally agree that one has to have a relationship with the Lord.

      Its through Christ Jesus that we can be healed from the scars of life. Through listening to and obeying His Word that we can learn to love ourselves. Through Him that we are able to love others, including our wives or husbands.

      I pray that you are doing much better!

  8. James McCoy says:

    Can I say amen to your post,I have alway suspected Steve Harvey to be a two-faced person.

  9. Jazzy says:

    I knew the book was non-sense from the beginning. I didnt need to read the book to know women were over exaggerating the information Steve was saying. This man been married 2-3 times. Of course he gonna tell you nonsense now like wait 90 days. LOL..that’s crazy. Like the author of this artical said. I aint mad at Steve. He just took advantage of an opportunity. He knew women would buy into the notion that he knew what the hell he was talking about. Just look at the title. “Think like a man”. Women dont even go there. That’s the reason you cant understand men now. So thinking like us will not help. Peace.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Welcome Jazzy! Too many of us believe that you men are really from Mars! No, boo, y’all from earth just like us!

      Men are not so extraordinarily hard to understand like that. Men are men and think like men, and we ladies are women and we think like women!! That’s all. So we don’t need an expose on men, and we don’t need to think like men!
      God didn’t make us to think like y’all! So He must have made men to be understandable. We simply have to accept you beautiful creatures for what you are!! And once we do, we fall in love with you all. And vice versa for y’all! Accept women for who God made us to be and you will love us–don’t expect us to think like you and don’t despise us for not! Fall in love with the femininity of women!!
      I like what my husband says from time to time: I can’t imagine being a woman–with men always grabbin at y’all. I’m glad Im a man! Then I tell him: And I can’t imagine being a man! I like it when you grab at me and want to hug me. I like being my feminine self and would never want to be a man. Im just sayin.

  10. Val says:

    @Anna Renee

    I’ve been shaking my head since I first heard about this scam, I mean book. Steve is just jumping on the ‘Black women are lonely’ bandwagon and capitalizing on it.

    I really could care less about what a scam artist like Steve does. What worries me is that so many Black women bought into this nonsense.

  11. Anna Renee says:

    That fool Steve is in my town!! I TOLD you not to come here, Steve!!
    http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C004434A41D4F78

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