I didn’t know that I would be so fearful now that I’ve reached my fifties. My life has changed drastically and the people who were there for me have moved on. Not in abandonment, but in building their new lives. So now I’m alone in a certain way and it is having a strange effect on me that I didn’t anticipate.
As a disciple of Christ, I rely on His love and protection more so now than ever before. I need Him more than I’ve ever realized, and maybe that is His design for this time in my life, that I feel the need for Him. I’m thankful and grateful for His power in my life and I am renewed spiritually every time I pray and pour my heart out to Him.
Yet I keep finding myself in a state of fear of life, which I’ve never experienced in this way before. I think about those who have died young like Luther, John Ritter, Vesta, Teena Marie and others who lived only to reach their fifties. I know that it’s wrong to think this way, especially as a child of God, but these thoughts keep coming to my mind. It’s a strange struggle – to think of not being alive like so and so and to imagine life in another realm. Yet I feel that I’m not ready to go because I haven’t accomplished my call to my satisfaction.
When I talk to my ex-husband, he tells me that I shouldn’t think that way because I AM accomplishing my call. I AM doing what God would have me right now in this moment. I know he’s right, yet those thoughts keep coming back to my mind whenever I feel like I’m missing my mark. If I had my way, I’d be making a lot of money as a writer and blogger – money that I’d be gifting to this worthy cause and that worthy cause. I’m an Oprah wannabe. Jealous of her ability to gift the brothers of Morehouse with full tuitions. If only I could be like her.
I wonder why some people roll smoothy into their calling from the age of twenty like Oprah did, and some can’t get it together even as they reach their fifties and are still struggling like I am. I just wonder about that kind of stuff. Then to know that some folks pass away right at the point of finally getting it right. The fifties are that time when we slowpokes have our chance to finally make it.
Or at least my limited thinking leads me to believe such. After all, Colonel Sanders didn’t make it big in KFC until he was 65 years old. At least that’s what I’ve been told. So I go back to pondering all of these things. It’s probably not good to think too much about stuff like this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from it. Prayer and reading God’s Word is the only thing that keeps my mind from wandering away. Most of the time, anyway.
Thank God for His Word and His Love
- Oprah Winfrey and Iyanla Vanzant Are Teaching America with Lifeclass (nachalooman.wordpress.com)
- Christians Who Don’t Trust in the Lord (nachalooman.wordpress.com)